What's wrong with me?

Question

I'm 22, almost 23. I’m too embarrassed of myself, I have no friends, no job. I’m starting my second higher education degree. I’m really scared of thinking about new classmates there. I don’t know how to make acquaintances, but I really want at least one person my age to talk to, hang out with, or just have someone to chat with. But I can’t even imagine it happening. I stay home and it’s fine, kind of boring, sometimes depressing, but there’s no danger or anxiety, so it’s okay. But this can’t go on forever, which is why I’m starting again, now in a different city. I’m really nervous, and my head is full of "what if…" scenarios. My parents tell me to just be myself and try to keep conversations going, but I can’t—I overthink how I come across, and that stops me from being myself.

Would I even want to be friends with someone like me? Yes, but only when I’m not embarrassed. That’s when I like myself.

I used to have a friend. She moved away and we don’t talk anymore, but we’re still following each other online. She’s married now and travels, and she’s lost weight. I’ll be honest—I’m jealous. Because I’ve never even had a boyfriend. It feels like everyone my age has had all these experiences, and I haven’t.

I still love the TV show I loved as a teenager, and now there’s a spin-off, so I still watch it and get really into it. There are a lot of things I’m really into. Is that a sign of immaturity? If I need to move forward, I can’t, because I love certain things too much—music, books, fictional worlds, soccer. But I’m not obsessed with them; I can talk about other topics too.

I feel like I’m falling behind. What’s wrong with me? How do I become "normal"?

Iryna Konstantynivna Zubiashrili · Answer

You are a normal person. However, you have developed social anxiety—a persistent fear of being around people and experiencing social situations where attention is drawn to you and you might be criticized. It’s normal to feel occasional anxiety before meeting people, such as on a date or during a presentation. But someone with social anxiety experiences constant anxiety and self-doubt in any interaction with others. People with social anxiety feel as though everyone is scrutinizing and negatively judging them.

The causes of social anxiety vary. For example, heredity—if someone in the family had an anxiety disorder, the risk increases.

Psychological traits.

Environment—repeated exposure to anxious behavior from others.

Social anxiety can and should be addressed: medication and psychotherapy are used to help people in this state. Antidepressants are prescribed as pharmacological support, and they are recommended by a psychiatrist.

The most effective therapy for this condition is cognitive-behavioral therapy. A psychologist helps identify and change negative thought and behavior patterns.

Tetiana Shtapova · Answer

Good morning. Everyone moves at their own pace. Who said you need to give up the things you love—like music, books, or fictional worlds—to become an adult? This process can be more gradual for you. And many people who have long since started families still enjoy listening to music, reading books, or watching football.

You’re afraid to step out of your comfort zone. But if you want to meet new people, make a friend, or find a partner, it might make sense to see a psychologist to figure out why you’re so afraid of meeting new people. Especially since a psychologist will also be a new person for you, and you’ll gain experience that shows meeting someone new doesn’t destroy you—it just gives you a chance to feel different about yourself. If you can start communicating with a psychologist, it’ll be easier to connect with classmates later.

Volodymyr Anatoliiovych Tarasenko · Answer

Hello!

[quote]What’s wrong with me?[/quote]

The problem is right there on the surface. Moreover, you know it and can name it. Here it is: [quote]I’m too ashamed of myself[/quote]

What a solution! Working with a psychologist who can help you figure out where and thanks to whom this trait formed in you.

When a person is ashamed of themselves, it means they deny themselves the freedom to express themselves. At some point, they weren’t supported in this—they were shamed, forbidden from reacting, thinking, or acting as they wanted. In other words, they didn’t meet someone’s expectations, usually their parents’ or those who took on that role. And now, as an adult, they hold themselves back, afraid to step out of the established pattern into the wider world. At the same time, they cling to what’s familiar and safe...

I recommend choosing a psychologist and starting to truly help yourself so you can blossom and experience the full flavor of adult life.

Inna Horoshko · Answer

Hello! Reading your message, I want to support you. Some things you mentioned caught my attention, and I’d like to bring them to your notice as well.

First, you write that it’s "okay" for you to stay home alone, but if that were truly the case, you wouldn’t be asking psychologists here, "What’s wrong with me?" You say, "There’s no danger or anxiety, so it’s okay," but danger and anxiety aren’t the only indicators that everything is fine. You understand, don’t you, that "this can’t go on forever..." and that you don’t want it to (as I understood).

Second, your statement, "...my parents tell me to be myself and try to keep the conversation going, but I can’t..." struck me as contradictory. It’s hard for you to maintain a conversation while also being yourself at the same time.

Third, you say, "If I need to move forward, I can’t, because I love certain things too much, like music, books, fictional universes, and soccer." Moving forward doesn’t mean you have to give up your interests or preferences—you can do it at your own pace, at a speed that feels right for you. These things shape who you are; some reflect your values. Why give up a part of yourself?

Fourth, what does "normal" mean to you? What does that look like?

I have many more questions I could ask to better understand you and share in your experiences. In your case, I strongly recommend and sincerely wish you to find a psychotherapist. If you feel the need, don’t hesitate to reach out!

Sign in

Finding the right therapist

Articles, reviews, dictionary, and psychology topics

Sign in

What's wrong with me?

Psychologists’ answers